1) I've been wanting to revive my blog and I think this would be the perfect post to kick things off with.
2) I've had several close friends asking me about this particular topic, and this is a good way to answer questions from multiple people at once.
3) It's a good way to document this important conversation. It's easy to forget things over time.
4) I've been trying to open up more to my friends and family, as I've been really really distant with people the last year or so. This will be a good way to do that.
5) If you don't want to read it, you won't. Period. End of story.
So, friends, here ya go. ( I apologize in advance for the novel, but I promise its nothing short of interesting if not disgusting). After over two years, I finally had a face to face conversation with Dominic's sperm donor. Keep in mind, I have not seen this individual since I found out I was pregnant. All of our conversations have taken place via text message and Facebook (minus the one phone call we had before he blocked me and stopped responding).
Over the past two years I've sent a handful of pictures and updates to the sperm donor with absolutely no response whatsoever. I can see via FB message that he reads them but never responds. Keep in mind, I've never once tried to get anything from him financially or pursue a relationship with him. Yet, still, he couldn't find it in him to respond to photos of his own child.
Finally, about six months ago I got sick of being ignored. If he doesn't want to be in Dominic's life I can't do anything to change it but we need to at least talk about Dominic's future face to face like adults, not like 12 years olds on Facebook. He's a fucking human, he deserves more than a Facebook message.
But since he wouldn't respond to me, I decided to take matters into my own hands. This past Christmas I sent Christmas cards and letters to Dominic's paternal grandmother and sister (her mom since shes a child), since they had no idea he even existed and I had no other way of contacting them. I included photos and all my contact information so they could get a hold of me with any questions they had. After waiting weeks and weeks, I got no response. "Hmm, did they get lost in the mail?" I wondered. Surely someone would respond if they just found out they had a brother or grandson, right? Wrong.
When I moved to Utah in May, I decided I would try to stop by sperm donors last known residence with Dominic in tow. He wasn't home, but his mother was. Instead of just leaving, I went back to the door and knocked again and politely said her, "I'm sorry, but do you have any idea who I am?" She said, "No". So I followup with, "This would be Steve's son". She looks at Dominic, says to me "I don't think so." and shuts the door in my face. Wow! Ok then, maybe she never got my letter and was just surprised. Lets give her the benefit of the doubt.
Finally about two weeks ago, I get a Facebook reply from sperm donor himself that says, "We can talk this week like Thursday or Friday. Just us." Hmm, wait, you mean you don't want to see the child you're neglecting face to face? Ok then, I'll agree if that means we can talk like adults.
So I get a sitter for Dominic and write down some questions. I have absolutely no idea what to expect going into this. I was almost certain he wouldn't want to see Dominic at all, but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to encounter. I have never, ever, ever in my life encountered someone who is so devoid of emotion. Here's a play by play, complete with the questions and answers I wrote down (I had planned on recording the conversation but got nervous and forgot).
I show up and he's already there. He gets out of his SUV and goes and stands by the side of a building (we met at a Starbucks). We make some small talk about the weather and then he says -
Sperm Donor: "So what's up?"
Me: "Well I don't want to fight. I just think this is a conversation we should have had two years ago. We should have talked about this like adults face to face."
SD: "I guess. I thought I made it pretty clear where I stood from day one. I told you I don't want to be involved. You made the decision to have him when you knew I didn't want a kid. But then you send me pictures and stuff. I thought I made it clear."
Me: Okay then. I understand that. I did make my choice knowing where you stood. But this is a human life we're talking about. My point is we should have talked about it like adults. Anyway, I have some questions. Do you have anything to say or ask me before I go into my questions?"
SD: "Nope not really."
Me: "Ok. So there's no right or wrong answer. Just be honest. Do you not think he's your kid? Is that what the problem is?"
SD: "Umm, I guess there's always a possibility. But no, I've never thought that. I just don't want a kid."
Me: "Ok, so if we did a paternity test to prove it's your son, it wouldn't make a difference?
SD: "No, I told you I don't want a kid."
Me: "But that's irrelevant at this point. I didn't want kids either, but it happened and guess what, he's here now so it turns out we both have a kid. You can hate me if you want for making a choice you don't like, but it's not his fault. He had no choice, don't punish him for a choice I made."
SD: "I know it's not his fault, but I don't want a kid. I don't want it financially, emotionally or just all around. He can hate me if he wants."
Me: "Ok. Then what should I tell him someday when he asks where his dad is?"
SD: "I don't know, tell him whatever you want. Tell him I'm dead if you want."
Me: "It's not my responsibility to make up an excuse. You're the one who doesn't want to be around. What should I tell him?"
SD: "Not to be rude, but I really don't care. Tell him whatever you want."
Me: "Ok then. Well like I said, this is a human life. It's not something that just goes away. There's a fair chance he might want to find you someday and I'm not going to lie to him. What are you going to say to him when he shows up on your doorstep someday?"
SD: "I don't know, that's a long way away. I'll worry about it then."
Me: "Ok, well you also have a daughter. She probably looks up to you right now. If Dominic finds her someday, she'll probably lose a lot of respect for you if she finds out she has a brother that you've been lying to her about her whole life."
SD: "Yeah she probably will. But I don't care. I'll worry about that later."
Me: "Ok, so I'm guessing by now you know I stopped by your house and talked to your mom. Did she know about him before I went there?"
SD: "Yeah she knew. She got your letter."
Me: "Wow, so she also knows she has a grandson with no father and just doesn't care?"
SD: "I can't speak for my mother."
Me: "Is the problem me? Do you think I'm going to make your life difficult in some way if you're involved in Dominic's life?"
SD: "No. It wouldn't matter if it was you or a girl down the street. I don't want to be involved."
Me: "Is there anything I can do that would make you want to stick around so Dominic has a dad?"
SD: "Nope."
Me: "So do you brag to people about ignoring your son?"
SD: "No, I don't brag about it. But people ask me and I tell them that you've sent me pictures and I just don't respond."
Me: "Wow. Ok I have more questions but none of them really matter at this point. I just have one final question. Do you care at all? Any part of you? Do you ever even think about him or how he's doing?"
SD: "No, not really."
Me: " I literally have nothing else to say. I've had an agreement drafted up stating that you don't get any custody or visition. And that you have no legal rights to Dominic. I'll mail it to you. Please sign and return it."
SD: "Blair, you don't need to worry about that. I have no desire to be involved. Like you said, I'm not on the birth certificate and I have no rights anyways."
Me: "I understand that, but I would like to just cover my ass. I never expected you to act this way, so who knows what you'll try to do down the road. Will you just sign it please?"
SD: "Yes. Well then I just have one question for you."
Me: "What's that?"
SD: "Now that we've had our little chat will you never send me another picture, don't contact my family, don't send me updates and if we pass each other on the street just pretend like we're strangers?"
Me: "You got it. After having this conversation, I've realized that if you and your entire family know about Dominic and think it's ok to pretend he doesn't exist, then none of you are the type of people I want my child being around anyway. Best of luck to you."SD: "You too."
No amount of me explaining this conversation, or repeating what was said will ever do it justice. I wish I hadn't been such a scatterbrain and had recorded it. We could have just as easily been talking about a tree or a door knob for as much emotion as he showed. Literally he showed more emotion when we were talking about the weather. There was a complete and utter lack of compassion, empathy and caring towards Dominic. I do NOT expect the sperm donor to feel sorry for me or apologize to me - he is correct, I made my choice knowing where he stood. I knew I would be doing this alone. But any decent person would feel some type of caring or compassion towards their own son, who never asked for this situation.
It's always shocking when you think you know someone and it turns out they are just a master manipulator. I saw absolutely no recollection of the person I thought I knew during that conversation. I could have had a better, more caring conversation with a hardened criminal from prison. When I think of the term "deadbeat dad" I think of a guy who's not around much or is inconsistent or doesn't pay child support all the time. That term would be a compliment for this uncaring, emotionless person. He couldn't even offer up a "Tell him I'm sorry" when I asked him what I should tell Dominic. Not only does he not think he's wrong, but he almost acts like how dare I send him photos of his own son and that I'm in the wrong because I "knew where he stood."
I expected the end result of Dominic not having a dad. But I did not expect to encounter such a manipulative, cruel person. I did not expect to encounter someone who thought it was "right" to abandon their child simply because I made a choice he didn't like.I did not expect to find out that there's an entire family of people who know about this child and think it's ok to ignore him.
At least now I can say I tried and can move on knowing that I did my best in trying to facilitate a relationship between my son and his father.. But I'm at a complete and utter loss for what I'll say to Dominic when he asks because I can't even think of one good thing to say about this person and there's no way I can paraphrase this conversation without hurting Dominic's feelings. I guess I can just count my lucky stars that he doesn't have to be raised by such uncaring, heartless people. I almost feel more sorry for his daughter who has to grow up knowing these people. I can't even imagine what type of emotional damage they will inflict upon her.
All I can do now is my best with Dominic. Someday, maybe he'll have a father figure he can look up to. And if not, one good parent is a hell of a lot better than two shitty ones!
