I'm Losing It...

It dawned on me the other day that I'm completely losing it...My edge that is. As someone who is typically known for being sarcastic, fun and edgy I feel like I have become completely boring over the past several months. I understand some of that is to be expected with all the changes going on in my life right now. Preparing for Dominic's arrival takes up a great deal of time and it seems the rest of my time is spent on business these days. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about the changes in my life and I wouldn't change a thing if given the chance. But, I do need to find a way to not completely lose myself in the process. Hell, I even have to force myself to socialize these days which is completely unlike me. I'm hoping some of it is just pregnancy induced weirdness that will subside after Dominic makes his debut. I think my boringness has even started to effect business. All the pieces are in place for both businesses to be successful, but there's something missing. I suspect it's something simple and obvious that I'm completely overlooking because I have such a one-track mind right now. I've decided to take this week "off" from my normal routine and do something different. I'm going to step outside my comfort zone a little, force myself to socialize and re-train myself in both businesses. Here's to hoping my little experiment brings a little of the old Blair back and also sheds some light on what I'm missing. "Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." - Marilyn Monroe

Speaking of excitement, I put together Dominic's swing and bouncer today. Can I get a "hell yeah" for being able to follow instructions and use a screw driver? The only thing that's missing now is an adorable little baby! Once I put them together it dawned on me that his "Snugabunny" swing and bouncer will not match his red and black pirate themed nursery. This should have been obvious long ago but for some reason I never stopped to consider it. I'm completely anal about things matching in his nursery so I'm not sure what to do. I suppose the bouncer will probably be downstairs most of the time once he arrives, but that still leaves a mismatched swing in the room. Should I change his nursery theme yet again or just let it go? I really don't want to change the nursery theme because I think the pirate theme will match his personality. Or what I'm imagining his personality to be, I should say. Hmm, decisions decisions...

Rainy Day Fun

How 'bout that Hurricane Irene, eh? As devastating as it was in some areas, upstate NY made it out relatively unscathed in comparison to all the hype that was made about the storm. I'm just glad everyone here is perfectly safe and we didn't lose power. A bit of rain and wind was the extent of the "severe weather" around here. But I figured that would be the case...

The rain made me want to be lazy, so I was less than productive today. Well, less than productive this entire weekend actually. Went to the NY state fair yesterday with my dad and brothers and spent about 8 hours walking around. Needless  to say, Dominic and I got our exercise! We also got some great food. Lets just say Dominic completely approves of the ribs from the Dinosaur BBQ ;) I had planned on staying to see the free Trace Adkins concert, but by the time 8 PM rolled around I was exhausted and annoyed with the insane masses of people. At that point my bed sounded much more appealing than a free concert. All in all, it was a great day but I almost had a small outburst towards one of the fair vendors. I was waiting with my 5 year old brother while my dad was in line buying fudge. There happened to be a vendor set up selling back massagers across the way from where my dad was standing, and there were 8 available chairs. I took a seat since no one was using them, and about 60 seconds later the sales lady approaches me and asks "are you going to try out the product?" I say "No, I'm just waiting for someone to get out of line." Very rudely she tells me "well I've got a product to sell and if you're not going to buy one then you need to leave and stop taking up the seat." Woah bitch, pump the brakes! First of all, I wouldn't have sat down if there was a crowd of people waiting to try your product. There were 8, count them 8, FREE chairs that no one was using. Second of all, as I stated I was only taking a brief rest for about 2-3 minutes while I was waiting for someone. Lastly, and most importantly in my opinion, kicking a 7 month pregnant woman out of a chair when you have 7 more available chairs is probably NOT the best way to sell a product. But what do I know about sales? I mean, I only own two sales based businesses so clearly I know nothing..."It is higher and nobler to be kind. "

Frustration and a Sense of Peace...

Another week almost down and closer to my due date. I've been a bit frustrated this week due to the lack of new business coming in at my marketing firm. For a few weeks I had been getting new customer inquiries from national companies left and right but things seem to have slowed down this week. I know every business has it's slow weeks and mine is no exception, but it's driving me crazy pondering what may have caused the sudden decrease in interest. Hmm, time to get creative to see if I can rouse some interest. It would really help if I could find some decent salespeople. I have a tendency to over extend myself sometimes. I know I'm fully capable of continuing to do everything I've been doing (business management, marketing, advertising, sales, you name it). But both of my businesses would be a hell of a lot more effective if I could delegate some of the tasks to other people. Any good salespeople out there looking to sell great services with a reputable company? Anyone? Bueller, Bueller?

In other news, I'm pleased to report that the last two weeks have brought me an unexpected sense of peace with my current situation. I can't explain why, as nothing new has transpired, but I suddenly feel almost 100% okay with the whole baby daddy ordeal (or lack thereof). I really can't pinpoint why the sudden sense of peace, but I'm definitely not complaining. I've known for awhile that I was on the brink of entering a new and completely different phase of my life, and for awhile that scared me. I tried so hard to hang on to some things that really weren't worth hanging onto. But the time is here, I'm not scared anymore and I'm moving on! Don't get me wrong, I'm still keenly aware that raising Dominic without a father figure isn't ideal. But, instead of agonizing and losing sleep over the "whys" and "what ifs" about the "sperm donor's" decision as I had done in the past, I suddenly feel like Dominic and I are in exactly the place we need to be in. That's also not to say that I don't ever think about the "sperm donor", but the thoughts have become fleeting and few and far between. I'm sure there will be days when I feel angry or frustrated, but for the most part I don't even feel resentment towards him anymore. To be honest, I don't really feel anything towards him at all . Sure I had good times with him that I can look back upon fondly, but I truly think mine and Dominic's life will be better off without him. And I've decided never to lie to Dominic about his father. When he's old enough to ask I will tell him the truth. I'll tell him the good things about his father, and hopefully find a way to also explain to him the not so good things. If he wants to know his name, I'll tell him. When he turns 18, if he wants to find him and meet him, that's his choice and I will support him. I think it's best to be completely truthful with him from day one because secrets like that never go to the grave. The "sperm donor" is the one who has to live with his decision and potentially the one who will someday be faced with explaining his decision to his son. On the other hand, I can rest easy knowing I've made the best choices possible for Dominic and that he will never need or want for anything. I'm far from perfect, but I don't have a hard time sleeping at night and that should count for something! "Shake off the "why's" and the "what if's" and rid yourself of confusion. Whatever was - is in the past. Whatever is? That’s what's important. The past is a brief reflection, and the future is yet to be realized."

Dominic The World Traveler...

Well, I made it nearly to the 7 month mark without having to buy maternity clothes. But I'm now down to only 8 or 9 articles of clothing I can wear comfortably in my new pregnancy body. I suppose it may be time to stop procrastinating and actually get on that maternity shopping I've been talking about for so long. I'll add it to my "to do list". Yeah, that same list that seems to be getting longer everyday. It seems like every time I check something off the "to do list", I think of 2 or 3 more things that need to be added! Still need to finish reupholstering the chair for Dominic's room, get my baby shower invitations printed and sent out, plan 1 or 2 fundraisers before the Out of the Darkness Walk in October, get started on my prenatal yoga classes, schedule a tour of the maternity ward at the hospital, and finish writing Dominic's baby books about Steve and Talese. And that's on top of working a minimum of 8 hours a day on my businesses and taking enough time out to relax and sleep somewhere in between! I think I need more time in the day. Or a personal assistant. Ooooh, a personal assistant would be SO nice...

Once Dominic is about 6 months old and I'm able to hire people to manage the day to day functions of my businesses for me,  I'd like to start traveling again. With Dominic of course. Now of course I know I'll get the naysayers bitching and moaning "he's too young to travel" or "what a waste of money" or "he won't even remember traveling at that age."
My response to that would be "bullshit", "it's my money to waste" and "so what." Life does not stop because I'm having a child. Life CHANGES because I'm having a child and I'm perfectly ready for that to happen. But why not take the first few years after Dominic's born before he starts school and take him places that I've always wanted to go? I'm sure as hell not going to be one of those parents who leaves him for long stretches of time with a babysitter and I see absolutely no reason why he can't come with me. Odds are he won't remember most of our adventures at that age, but it will make for some great stories to tell his friends when he's older. And I'll obviously take him back to many of these places again once he's old enough to appreciate it. Now that's not to say I'm going to backpack through Europe or something crazy like that with a newborn. Dominic will obviously have stability in his life. I'm talking about 1-2 week trips a few times a year to different places. One of the first places I want to take him next year is Ireland. Talese's family is from Belfast and I was hoping to go with them this September as they spread her ashes along Whitepark Bay in northern Ireland. But obviously with me going into my 3rd trimester this September, I had to rearrange my plans. My new goal is to make a trip over there sometime at the end of summer/early fall 2012 to check out the amazing culture and scenery, and of course pay my respects to my beautiful best friend. I'm very much looking forward to my world travels with my new little man. And quite frankly, I don't give a damn what anyone thinks about it! "The question isn't who is going to let me, the question is who is going to stop me!"

Excitement and a Wee Bit of Anxiety...

This will be my last full week of my 2nd trimester. Mid-next week I'll officially be in the third trimester of my pregnancy - woo hoo! I can't believe how fast this pregnancy has flown by so far. I'm growing increasingly excited , terrified and a wee bit impatient. I'm beyond elated and excited to finally meet my little man and start this next phase of our lives together. But as my due date draws nearer, I'm getting a little bit intimidated at the prospect of being the sole guardian of a little tiny human. It's not the financial aspect that scares me or even the lifestyle changes, but the fact that every little decision I make will shape who he becomes. Also playing into the equation is the fact that Dominic's father is not in the picture and the sole responsibility of making sure he turns out OK is on me. I know I'm fully capable of being a great mom and I'm more than willing to learn. I suppose I just have a bit of anxiety because this will be a completely new role for me and one that I have very little experience in. Hell, before I found out I was expecting I'd never really even babysat before! I've also never changed a diaper and have been made fun of in the past for holding babies like footballs! I hope all of these pregnancy/parenting books I've been reading will prove to be helpful. And the rest I'll just have to learn through experience. Good thing I'm a fast learner! “We are apt to forget that children watch examples better than they listen to preaching.”

Practice Makes Perfect...

My apologies for my lack of posts this past week. I've taken the last few days as a much needed rest. I spent a full day with my little 5 year old brother, Sabastian, on Friday and completely wore myself out. I thought of it as a practice run for when Dominic gets here. We went to the park, out to dinner and then to see Mr. Poppers Penguins at the drive-in. We both had a great time - some of the things kids say crack me up! But after a long, eventful day of trying to keep up with a 5 year old ball of energy, I found myself very very exhausted. Ah, the things I have to look forward to. Needless to say, I have a lot of work to make up for after my weekend hiatus, so it's back to the grind tomorrow...

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting today. Today marks one year since the last time I saw my best friend, Talese. If only I had known I would never see her again, I doubt I would have ever let her go. The memories are still so fresh in my mind - I remember what she was wearing, what we did that day and what we talked about as if it was just yesterday. I can't believe how fast the time has flown by. If someone would have told me a year ago that today my best friend would be gone, and I'd be in NY running two businesses with a baby on the way I would have thought they were insane. Just goes to show how much things can change in a year's time. One thing that will always stick with me are Talese's last words to me before she left my house the last time I saw her in person. She gave me a big hug and kiss and said "Don't do it. Don't say good-bye because you're going to NY. We'll never say good-bye, we'll always say 'see ya soon'." It's a bit unsettling to me sometimes just how prophetic that statement turned out to be. A year later and thoughts of my best friend still occupy my mind on a very regular basis. Because some people come into your life and you are never, ever the same... "Wherever I am you'll always be more than just a memory."

Happy Anniversary Mom and Steve!

Nine years ago today was my mom and step dad Steve's wedding day. So Happy Anniversary to two of the best parents I could ever ask for. Miss and love you everyday, Steve. Your absence is felt by so many. I will be forever grateful for the lessons you taught me that I can now pass on to Dominic. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to be a step parent to a teenager/young adult, and I know I didn't always make it easy, but you truly did a terrific job and I appreciate it more than I can ever express. Nothing I can ever say will express the amount of gratitude I have for you,  but thank you for everything!

Nine years. My, how time flies! What a crazy nine years it's been. It's amazing to think back and reflect on everything that has changed during the past nine years since I first moved to Utah. It's so crazy to think about the people who have come in and out of my life, my graduation from high school and college, buying my first home, getting married and divorced, losing two of the most epic people I've ever met, finding out I was pregnant and then eventually coming back to NY. I've had a few heartbreaks along the way but also more good memories than I can count. It's been a crazy ride but I wouldn't change a single thing. I wouldn't trade the people I've met or the experiences I've had for the world. I can't wait to see what the next nine years brings for me and Dominic. Here's to the future! "The future is called "perhaps," which is the only possible thing to call the future.  And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you. "

Excuse Me If I'm A Bit Politically Incorrect...

It's been awhile since I got on my soapbox about something so here ya have it folks...

When I first found out I was pregnant, after the initial shock and going through the "normal" thought process I began to wonder if my dating life was forever doomed. Oh wait, even more doomed would be a more accurate statement. After all, it's hard to find someone I like and get along with, let alone someone who will be good to Dominic. Couple that with the fact that I had never been a big fan of dating people with kids and I was sure karma was going to bite me in the ass. But surprisingly, soon after the news about my bundle of joy got out, the date offers started rolling in even more than usual. For a little while, this phenomenon had me perplexed. Then it dawned on me. Here are my obvious (and inappropriate) observations about my increasing popularity;

1.) To point out the obvious, I'm pregnant. Translation, I can't get knocked up right now because there's already a bun in the oven.To men this means I'm free game to "hit it and quit it" stress free.

2) I'm knocked up so that must mean I put out. Well, duh. Thank you captain obvious. Even men who would normally realize they don't stand a chance seem to think they have a chance now. Silly boys.

3) My jugs are huge. I mean, they were huge to begin with. But now they are HUGE. I don't think I need to explain further why this is appealing to men.

Now this isn't to bash on men or pass judgment, yada yada yada. I mean, who can blame them? I have to admit that list is pretty appealing.  In fact, maybe I'll find a pregnant woman of my own to date..... But the truth of the matter is, even though I am a single, unwed mama-to-be doesn't mean I'm looking for a booty call. I am going to be picky about who I date and even pickier about who I bring around Dominic. And although I'm open to dating, it certainly isn't my top priority. My top priorities right now are Dominic and running my businesses. But, if and when I find someone it will have to be someone who cares about both me and Dominic and can be a good role model. And even then, I will proceed at a snails pace with extreme caution. Because it's not just about me anymore. 'Nuff said! "Anybody who believes the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography."

I'm Evolving...

Thanks to my dad, Dominic is now the proud owner of a brand new crib! I picked out an espresso/dark cherry colored convertible Graco crib because it's practical, I like the style and it will match perfectly with his pirate crib bedding. I don't know what I would do without all the thoughtful gifts I've been given by my family and friends. Dominic is truly lucky to have such wonderful people in his life already. Thanks again dad!

Every so often, life has a way of reminding us not to take it for granted. With a heavy heart, I'm sad to report that a friend of my family's lost her young son today in a tragic and unexpected accident. I'm not a religious individual, but I do ask that you keep her family in your thoughts. Words can not express the sympathy I have for the family at this time. As an expectant mother, I can not even begin to fathom how she must feel. Events like this have a way of instilling in me both fear and gratitude. Fear that something like this could happen yet ago to someone I love. Gratitude for each moment I do get with my unborn son, parents, family and close friends. I know I've posted on this before, but I can not reiterate enough - tell the people you love that you love them, call a friend or family member just to say hi and don't waste a single moment of your life on regrets. Because you only get to do it once.

Rest in peace, Cole Dolbear 
"I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death.  They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make.  Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories."

I'm Unstoppable!

What a week and it's only Wednesday! In the last three days alone, I have been extremely productive and my businesses have made progress by leaps and bounds. Now that I've got the ball rolling, I have no doubt that my momentum is going to keep building. I still have a long way to go in accomplishing all my goals and visions for both of my very different businesses, but each day I'm getting one step closer. I'm beyond excited to see what the next 3, 6, 12 months are going to bring. Whoever said that getting pregnant was going to slow me down or kill my ambitions obviously doesn't know me very well! If anything, I'm more motivated now than ever to be able to provide a comfortable life for me and Dominic. One where I'll be able to spend most of my time at home or doing things with him instead of being controlled by "the man" in a job that I hate. One where I'll be able to take him on vacations and enroll him in a good private school. That's the type of life we're going to have because I'm not slowing down, I'm not giving up and I will NOT settle for less than success. This mama is an unstoppable force! "I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."


On another note, I finally set a date for my baby shower. The big day will be Saturday, September 24th, from 10:30 AM to 1:30 PM at Battle Island golf course club house. I decided I'd go with something a little different and do a brunch - how can ya beat breakfast food and lunch food? You can't! Now I just need to finalize a theme. I'd like to find something that matches Dominic's nursery theme and that will look good with sunflowers. Better get back to looking...

Birthing Classes...Yay or Nay?

With each day that passes I'm getting one day closer to my due date. Yet my little "to do" list of things to do before Dominic gets here seems to be getting longer and longer. I'm still debating on whether or not to take a birthing class, and if so which one I should take. The hospital I'm delivering at offers labor classes and parenting classes. But I'm not so sure either of them is for me. After talking to people who have taken both, it sounds like a lot of what they do is show videos and discuss material that I've probably already read in my pregnancy books. After looking into my options, I think prenatal yoga might be more my speed. The class I want to take goes over some of the labor breathing exercises, works on relaxation techniques and helps with pregnancy fitness. Now it's just a matter of fitting the class into my busy schedule. Hopefully I can fit in 4 or 5 sessions before Dominic makes his debut! Next on the agenda, scheduling a tour of the hospital I'm delivering at...

Today was a much needed better day. I had been in a serious slump for the past 3 or 4 days due to lack of sleep and agonizing over people and things I can't change. I finally got a full night's sleep last night and woke up with a much more positive attitude, ready to face the day! It's amazes me how much a positive attitude can influence your life and the things that happen to you. Perhaps the two are unrelated, but today brought some great business opportunities within my reach and I was able to resolve some personal issues as well. Here's to making tomorrow another productive, happy day! "If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

Hello Again Insomnia...

I am officially past the 6 month mark! I'm 24 weeks pregnant as of this past Thursday so just 3 and a half more months to go until I get to meet Dominic - woo hoo! I'm still feeling great. No sickness, insomnia, aches or pains. This is actually the best I've felt in a long time. It's amazing how small changes to your lifestyle can make such a huge difference in your overall well being. My only complaint would be my horrible insomnia this past week. I haven't been able to get a decent nights sleep to save my life. I've had too much on my mind and no matter how hard I try my brain won't shut off long enough for me to fall asleep. I need to learn how to let things go that I have no control over. It's a work in progress. Hopefully this week will bring a few more restful nights. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

In addition to all the changes I'm implementing to my two businesses, TT's Attic and The Alpha Omega Solution, I've also been busy filling my schedule with various charity events. On September 2nd I'm volunteering for four hours at the Susan G. Komen breast cancer booth at the NY State Fair. I figured it would be time well spent on a great cause and a way to meet and network with other like-minded people in this area. Also on the agenda is the Ride for Life against child abuse, The Out of the Darkness Walk for suicide prevention and the Ronald McDonald House gala dinner. I'm hoping to schedule at least two fundraisers to raise money for my team before the Out of the Darkness Walk on October 8th. Again, if you're going to be in the central NY area PLEASE join Team "There Is Always Hope" in memory of Talese Turner to raise awareness for suicide prevention. If you can't join us for the event, at least spare a few dollars to help save a life. The life you save could be YOUR best friend, daughter, mother or sibling. Donate to Team "There Is Always Hope"

Crazy Pregnancy Dreams

People had warned me that dreams sometimes get crazy when you're pregnant. For the longest time I thought that was a myth or an old wives tale.... Until my dreams started turning downright crazy! I've always been one to have odd, vivid dreams to begin with. But these days my dreams have gotten even more insane and in some cases comical. The crazy dreams all started around 14 weeks when I had a dream that I gave birth to a litter of kittens! Perhaps my fear of something going wrong during labor presented itself in my subconscious in the form of baby kittens? Last week I had a dream that my dog Trixie and a dog I used to have, Gunny, both turned into dolphins and I had to free them in the ocean. Then a few days ago, I woke up in a fit of laughter because I had a dream that I had to break the news to my mom that she was "not the grandmother" of Dominic. Maury Povich anyone? How ridiculous! Going to sleep these days is always exciting because I never know what crazy things are going to pop into my dream-filled mind. “Dreams are often most profound when they seem the most crazy.” - Freud

So Much To Do, So Little Time...

This week marks the 6 month mark - yee haw! How exciting...And scary. This pregnancy is both flying by and dragging on at the same time. It seems like just yesterday I found out I had a little bun in the oven. But Thanksgiving is getting closer everyday. I still have so much to do and so many things to plan for before Dominic arrives! I'm making some great headway as far as baby shopping goes - his wardrobe, stroller, swing, bouncer, monitor and baby bath are all ready and waiting for him. But I still need to pick out a crib, carseat, decide which venue and menu I want for my baby shower, finish my baby registry, sign up for birthing classes and finish his nursery! Everyone tells me that no matter how much planning you do, you're never quite ready when the big day arrives. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try like hell! I think I can, I think I can... "We can't plan life. All we can do is be available for it."

It's official. It has become incredibly uncomfortable to button my pants. I've decided to just wear long shirts and wear them unbuttoned for the time being. If I can make it through the summer without wasting a ton of money on new clothes, then I can focus on getting maternity clothes for the colder months that are approaching. I'm thinkin' leggings and long sweaters are going to be my best friend this fall.

I've decided on a new nursery theme for Dominic. My original plan was to do a NY Yankees themed nursery but I had a hard time finding anything even remotely cute or affordable. Since most of the Yankees crib bedding I found was custom made, not only was it super expensive but also a tad bit on the ugly side. I came across this pirate themed nursery set the other day at Babies R Us. I loved the color scheme and I thought it was cute and different than what I've seen in most nurseries. If Dominic turns out to be half the character I expect he will be, I think it will suit him perfectly! I can't wait to see him hanging out in this bad ass little baby room. Arghhhh matey! ;)